As originally stated in my book that so few of you have read, I began writing as a form of therapy. I chose writing because I found it difficult to talk about my time in the US Border Patrol unless I was speaking in the bullshit propaganda talking points I was trained; bragging about the large groups of men I used to apprehend alone in the far east mountains of San Diego. My wife did not even know about my rape in the academy until 15 years into our relationship. She did not know that my reputation as one of the hardest and greenest female agents in the sector came from surviving the Fierce 5 Percenter hazing, the subsequent coverup, being forced to work with my rapist time and again.
And once I wrote about it, I slowly started to talk about it. Rewrites and more in depth exploration allowed for more analysis of my own actions and the agency's. I started to understand the system, its intentionality, its brutality against us women. Perhaps this is what allowed me to see the deterrence polices for what they were as well, the brutality towards the migrants, my own racists beliefs, my own complicity. It most certainly afforded me the opportunity to dig into the Critical Incident Teams and prove their existence. Exposing the rape culture, the Game of Smiles, On Her First, Tucson rapey sector, the Mexican heart attack, how we make pursuits crash and get away with it, etc.
My work has led to many policy changes, films, articles and even books not written by me. Work that I am nowhere mentioned in, work that originally started with a phone conversation and sparked an idea. And that has made it worthwhile; to get the knowledge and truth out through many different voices. Media now discusses the rape culture, the pursuits, the coverup teams, the brutality of our deterrence polices, Border Patrol and militia cooperation, etc. It has put the agency on offense now that media knows which questions to ask and what is actually happening.
For over a year, I have asked for some financial support and assistance in the form of small donations on here and sharing my articles and videos. I did this against my better judgement because I was forced to. That has resulted in $20 a month and more importantly, few shares. Thank you to the 4 people who supported me, but as you can imagine, it doesn't cut it. While my book is highly rated and well reviewed, it does not sell. So much so, that all money made from the book, from speaking engagements, from the few writings I have been paid for is given right back to victims of the Border Patrol. I am in fact spending my own savings, my disability money just to get to places to speak, just to buy books to give away at events.
I never expected to get wealthy off this stuff, just thought I could support my work to be able to put out more thruths. Apparently what I have to say, neither side cares to hear. I imagine there comes a time in all activists' minds where they must evaluate their course. One of the through lines in my life has been non-acceptance. I was the odd one in my family; always wanting to say the truth out loud because the silence of the lies was painful. I was not wanted in my own family, which made me run far away and join another family that was not accepting because that type of relationship was all I ever knew.
My writing, my work helped heal me in many ways, but it also exposed that I still struggle deeply with this acceptance. It is what allowed me to falsely think those involved in exposing the Critical Incident Teams were coworkers, people who believed in exposing the corrupt system and taking it down.
Once a migra, always a migra they laugh; they laugh at me like the agents, like my family.
I'm not stopping. I am becoming smaller, less available. I cannot continue this level of work without that support. I pay for the research, the website for the blog so I can publish my writings, the podcast so that I can publish those writings in video format. I cannot do all of that and continue to travel to be with victims and their families, cannot continue to advise on court cases for free, continue to look at the dead bodies, continue in hearing the stories...all I've been doing for over 7 years. I have no one to talk to about it, no one who understands. Hated by the right, used and thrown away by the left. I need to pull back, build a wall.
Which means I have failed. My book, like my life is a failure. My lesson is not worth learning. I chose wrongly, but it was always a choice.
What have I learned? There are few orgs that are doing it for the right reasons. Too many perpetuate the systems that create the brutality because they are making millions. It is more about getting policies passed in their names regardless of if the policies help or hurt anyone. They care more about which politician they know. It's a vicious cycle. Americans don't care about migrants; they don't care that they die in the deserts or get washed away in the rivers. They are fine with deterrence policies that are policies of genocide as long as they do not see them. They do not care that Border Patrol is corrupt and sexually assaults female agents as part of our hazing and then turn around and do the same to the migrants. They do not care that the policies they force agents to enforce is what drives them to corruption and crime, drives us to suicide.
Americans pay Border Patrol agents to keep the bodies out of their backyards and shut up about their problems. We chose to do the dirty work, and therefore cannot complain about it. I have come to see my own rape and suicide attempt as the least I deserved for enforcing those laws.
My intent is to shut down my social medias for good in a few weeks. Those accounts have done me little good in growing my audience. Most have already shutdown the Border Patrol WATCH pages and put me on limited exposure notices. These penalties were for sharing Project 2025 and Border Patrol rape culture information that was true. I intend to maintain this site as well as the podcast. I will no longer make myself available for social media as it is a waste of my time and energy. You of course may share if you like, though most are too afraid for others to see such information.
The straw that broke me is watching the Border Patrol and the Union talk about out suicides and attempts and use that politically. I have literally written the book on why so many of us end up taking our own lives, an award winning book. And while the agency is sending out many articles trying to pin our suicides on Biden, not one person has thought to ask me to write a piece or talk about it. I intentionally wrote honestly and graphically about my attempt to try and save agent lives, to try and get people to understand that making agents into oppressors is what is killing them. But you all prefer the lies. So, it is lies that you read and share.
I do not care what people think of my service, my writings or my pain. Border Patrol will be free to put out their bullshit propaganda on social media without any real pushback. NGOs can publish worthless polls about how migrants feel they are treated in custody while making deals with CBP behind closed doors, and publishing their yearly reports about how agents are still getting away with brutality. Everyone will clutch their pearls, ask for more money, get a raise and look for more victims to ask for more money as the cycle continues.
Both sides have tons of money to be made of hating/caring for migrants and hating/caring for Border Patrol agents. Pick your side and choose your armor.
I have learned my lesson.